The End

Today is my last day in South Sudan. This afternoon I will get on a plane to Nairobi and fly away, slowly working my way west and home. I can't say I'm not looking forward to being home. HOME. Home in my own country. Where I can speak in rapid English and most people will understand. Home where MY people live. I never thought of myself as much of a nationalist or patriot or American, really. I don't think anyone would accuse me of being any of those things. But, it's true, I have missed home. There really is no place like it. It's nice to travel, but I've learned that it's even nicer to come home. Oh America, I've missed you so much.

Thanks for the memories, South Sudan. I'll never leave your corner as you try to stand on your feet as the world's newest nation, but the time has come for me to go home. 

We can only speak of the things we carried with us and the things we took away.
Barbara Kingsolver, the Poisonwood Bible

Decisions: Week 22

I've spent the last five months here in South Sudan thinking of the future. My future. What I want. Where I want to be. What I'm looking for. They're deep questions. After feeling so confused last fall, it's nice to have some time to reach a sort of clarity.

I know that I want to be somewhere where my career and my mind are advanced. I know that I want to have a home. I'll go even further. I want a place that I call home because it feels like home. I've been roaming too long. And I want to put down roots there. After all this African chaos, I want to buy a house, get a dog, meet a man, plant a garden... You know, something drastic. Although, I think I will start with the garden.

I always thought that I needed to be way out on the edge in order to become a better nurse. That I needed to be working somewhere really tough to get better. The thing is, you learn no matter where you are as long as you push yourself.

There is no perfect environment; no perfect place. It seems that just living is the best classroom and your teacher is the passage of time. Patience. Something I'm not good at. But I'm learning. Working in Africa has taught me that above all you must be patient. Everything moves much, much slower and yelling and shouting only serves to bring things to a complete halt as feelings are mended. Quiet and calm have permeated my time here. I have sought to understand what I can of this culture in the self-centered hope I can help them help themselves. I'm not sure what differences I have made on that front, but from this I will take so much.

Unfortunately, I will never know all there is to know. I can only continue to put myself in challenging situations and hope for the best. The next challenge is to go home and stay still for a while. I'm ready.

"Just keep following the heart lines on your hand."
Florence and the Machine

Spain-yerds

Today I am going north to the MSF - Spain camp. I'll be teaching the staff working in the clinic there how to do a proper newborn resuscitation. But mostly I want to take a look around. They are working in an IDP (internally displaced persons) camp nearer to the border. I've never seen an IDP camp before. I hear that they are absolutely horrible. It's curiosity that draws me in. I want to see how it is. How the people live. What they eat. How they get water. I'm curious and a little worried about what I may see. It can't be pretty.

Happy Howl-o-ween!

It's amazing what you can do with some gauze, flour and ketchup.

Today

The smell of stale urine is overwhelming in the hospital today.

The Fried Dough Diet: Week 21

I'm down to eating almost nothing. Nothing is really the only thing that looks good. I guess tough, wormy meat, moldy flour, and bug filled fruit never really did look or taste good. But 5 months in, it really doesn't look good, I can't speak on the taste lately, because I haven't attempted to try anything that I'm not sure I will be able to choke down. Which brings me to my current situation: eating almost nothing. Luckily my current lifestyle doesn't include much physical activity so I'm not in danger of wasting away any time soon and the daily multivitamins probably ward off rickets, anemia, and scurvy. Not to worry.

Earlier this week, though, there was a fortunate development in the calorie acquisition department: for reasons unknown, eggs became less affordable/available in the market (some details were lost in translation). So, to compensate for the absence of daily fried eggs the cooks usually make in the morning, they decided to make fried doughnut hole things instead. After the initial resistance, everyone seemed to be excited about the change. Soooo, they made them for breakfast AND dinner the next day. And now they're here, albeit badly burned, for breakfast again. I sense I may see more for lunch. Oh boy. Calorie requirements for the day met early. Check.
Previously in order to make my caloric ends meet, I had been reduced to finding some sort of nutrition in whatever I could scrounge from the cupboards and a few departed expat care packages. It's mango season so I subsisted on just those for a few days until we ran out. Then I raided the banana tree behind the laundry. Turns out they were actually very green plantains. Yeech. Other delicious "combinations": Pineapple and mashed potatoes, canned artichoke hearts and jelly beans, and my all time favorite cooking oil and salt mixed together that I then slather on the odorless, tasteless flat bread they sell here. It's okay though. Just two more weeks and I will have the biggest salad ever made in the history of salads.

In the meantime, this is a relatively safe exploration of the realities of food insecurity that many people experience on a daily basis. My neighbors here in South Sudan may never get enough to eat and have probably never eaten a jelly bean. I'd like to dedicate my first salad to them.

Ants sold separately.

Goat ROAST!!!